i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
