A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
