i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
