Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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