Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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