You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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