dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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