last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
