who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
