I am spending my child support on dildos
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
