Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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