you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
