"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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