Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
