Please, let me fuck your mom
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
