So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
