I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just tell him i said nine months
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
