ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
