I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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