Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
