You really coming over, don't trick.
I CAN MOONWALK!
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
