I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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