Buhtt sex?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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