he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
