did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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