I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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