my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
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