I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You took a bar mat shot.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
