When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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