hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think I am morally bankrupt
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
