WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
