Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
