o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
