You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
