paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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