I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
