I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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