I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
