if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
sarcasm needs its own font
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
should my penis look like a turkey
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
