I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
