I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
