dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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