And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Barsexuality is the new black.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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