I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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