My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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