I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
