Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
