I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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