genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
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