So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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